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Hedges Family Estates shares "Rules for Attending Wine Festivals"

"Don't pinch your fingers & say, "Just a little."  Dump it if you don't want to finish it, but I'm going to pour as much as I damn well please..."

While tongue-in-cheek & pure Hedges humor, there is a LOT of painful truth to these "Rules to Live By". Santé!!

Rules for Attending a Wine Festival

by Hedges Family Estate, Red Mountain, WA

  • Don't tether your wine glass to your neck

  • Don't pinch your fingers & say, "Just a little."  Dump it if you don't want to finish it, but I'm going to pour as much as I damn well please.

  • Don't violently lift your glass mid-pour & say, "That's enough."  Same deal as above.

  • Don't say, "Give me the biggest thing you have."  This isn't NASCAR.

  • Let "smooth" take the day off from your vocabulary...the whole day.

  • Don't shove.  I mean...really

  • Don't say you hate Merlot. We ALL saw Sideways. Guess what: Miles didn't want to drink Merlot because it reminded him of his ex-wife. That bottle he drank in the end - his most precious bottle - had a ton of Merlot in it.

  • Don't tell every winemaker about the winery that was down the street while you lived in Lodi.

  • Don't ask how the wine scored...EVER.

  • Do wear a "Wine'er, Dine'er, 69'er" T-shirt

  • If you are going to wear one of those little food trays that has a cutout for your glass, you better be damn sure you are cool enough to wear it.  Note: NO ONE is that cool.

  • Over-buff late-30s guy: Don't try to impress your date by contradicting me.  You're going to fail.  Yeah, try me.

  • Don't lick your glass... pig...

  • Don't talk about your sulfite allergy.  There is a good chance you have no idea what you're talking about.

  • Don't dump into the water pitcher.  And always look before you drink out of it.

  • Practice spitting at home; it WILL come in handy.

  • Don't talk about the legs after you swirl the glass.  Here's a tip: the legs don't matter.

  • Don't take your heels off & puke in the lobby...please.

  • Don't ask what the most expensive wine on the table is.

  • Keep the rim of your glass FOOD-FREE.

  • If you proclaim that you don't like white or rosé, we WILL make fun of you when you walk away.

  • NO Perfume or Cologne!  And go light on the lipstick, honey...